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How a Collection About Grief Turned My Consolation Present

“You don’t suppose each expertise is the universe making an attempt to show us one thing?” a curious Judy Hale (Linda Cardellini) asks her greatest pal, cynical and straight-laced Jen Harding (Christina Applegate), within the ultimate season of Netflix‘s Lifeless To Me. Jen’s response is certainly one of reproach, however as I watched the episode, I discovered myself greatly surprised by the query. Earlier than screeners hit my inbox over a month earlier than the present’s public launch, I had already been personally mourning the ending of this collection the identical method some folks put together to say goodbye to an individual; regardless of working within the leisure trade there have been only a few exhibits that I’ve develop into hooked up to sufficient to look at each episode of, make investments myself in, and really feel related to on extra than simply an enjoyment degree.

Lifeless To Me was a kind of exhibits.

After plowing by the primary season mere hours after it premiered in 2019, I immediately knew the present had develop into certainly one of my favorites. Nonetheless, I can’t say that the premiere initially hooked me with parallels to my very own experiences, as a result of on the time, it didn’t. However in the identical method that life unexpectedly modifications, I ultimately discovered myself present process conditions that mirrored each Jen and Judy’s journeys. And the collection, together with its tales and its characters, turned a roadmap: as I grieved family members misplaced throughout COVID, as I mourned the ups and downs of friendships, and as I unexpectedly suffered my first miscarriage. When Judy requested her query, I spotted I had unknowingly been circling that very same thought: What has this expertise with the present taught me? What was the which means of it coming into my life when it did and attaching itself to me so intently, extra so than different exhibits I’d watched over the previous three years?


And I spotted that in a present about grief and forgiveness, I had discovered consolation.

Everybody associates “consolation viewing” with exhibits or tales which are light-hearted and that take you away from the world. Lifeless To Me is way from that: it’s a dramedy to its core, the place throughout the course of every half-hour, you’re thrown onto a fast-paced experience with feelings starting from hysterical laughter to a number of tears (often with loads of wine concerned.) However the multi-faceted facets of the present have been its power. They have been what allowed me to understand my very own difficult emotions. The present allowed me to snicker by the ache or, in some circumstances, allowed me to bear in mind I may snicker. On a particular degree, Judy Hale and her quest for ongoing human connection — to all the time search for one thing constructive within the face of negativity or pessimism — allowed me to discover my feelings in a method that felt secure and cathartic. Her unapologetic open vulnerability and deeply flawed persona helped me understand it was okay to be flawed myself and that I didn’t must apologize.

As a testomony to how brilliantly the present has been written, predicting how it will finish appeared unimaginable. Arguably, nobody may have pinpointed the last word conclusion, which didn’t finish with a police caper or an FBI arrest, or one other homicide thriller. As a substitute, the ending put the main focus again on the 2 individuals who have all the time been the guts of the present, giving them and their relationship middle stage as they labored by their greatest obstacles but: a terminal stage 4 cervical most cancers prognosis for Judy and a shock being pregnant for Jen (the daddy being Ben (James Marsden), the dual brother of Judy’s ex-fiance and the person Jen killed.

It’s simple to view this ending as unfair: Judy, the always-giving, real mild will get her life minimize quick. However that’s additionally life. Life isn’t truthful, and life doesn’t choose or select who it decides to be sort to. If we felt like Judy’s destiny was laborious to just accept, it’s as a result of we felt in our core what Jen felt listening to each step of unhealthy information alongside the best way: how does one thing like this occur to somebody that simply doesn’t appear to deserve it? But Lifeless To Me has all the time represented the laborious realities of life and grief, a balancing act between the darkest lows and the very best highs. Positive, there are parts of the present that typically really feel on par with a cleaning soap opera. (Twins, anybody?) However at its core, the collection has all the time leaned into the realness of what it means to expertise life with somebody who you join with on a deeper degree.

The Jen we met firstly of the collection was abrasive, merciless, and closed off. She couldn’t even entertain the concept of Judy being good to her, a lot much less making an attempt to befriend her. (And that was earlier than she knew that Judy was behind the wheel of the automobile that hit and killed her husband, Ted!) On the finish of the collection, the Jen we see has grown immensely from that first episode. Not solely has she discovered to like, however she’s additionally discovered the way to be compassionate and provides second probabilities — one thing that wouldn’t have been doable with out having Judy in her life.

Equally, Judy making the choice to stay out her ultimate days on her personal phrases got here from a spot of peace. Regardless of what different folks had made her really feel through the years, she lastly felt safe in the truth that she is actually able to being liked, and she or he knew she had made a distinction to somebody. She knew somebody had lastly liked her again simply as fiercely as she had liked her as a result of she had discovered a spot in Jen’s life along with her household.

Within the first season, each episode title began with “I/Me.” The particular naming scheme continued all through the collection, with the second season’s episode titles beginning with “You,” and the third season’s beginning with “We.” That’s no rigorously constructed coincidence, as, by the ultimate set of episodes, Lifeless To Me is now not one girl’s story or one girl’s wrestle or one girl’s secret. Judy and Jen are on equal floor, secrets and techniques laid naked, finally representing the perfect of what they’ve taught one another. They could have met as two individuals who couldn’t be extra totally different, however beneath the persona variations, there was a putting parallel: two girls who had been damage in their very own lives who have been searching for love and trying to heal, who discovered these issues by loving one another amidst many missteps and loads of laborious classes. Even when Jen tried to banish Judy from her life and even when Judy needed nothing to do with Jen, they stayed collectively. They got here again to one another due to their deep love and respect, and since as soon as you discover your individual, you understand how essential it’s to have that individual in your life.


As an emotional Judy says within the pair’s ultimate scene collectively, “you crammed the opening in my coronary heart.”

Maybe that’s what the expertise of Lifeless To Me actually taught us — or at the least, taught me: that whereas grief would possibly maintain on without end if we let ourselves develop from the ache, we are able to use it to hold on with the perfect model of ourselves. Identical to Judy and Jen did.

Lifeless to Me, Seasons 1-3, Streaming Now, Netflix


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